"Well, you can kiss your deductible goodbye…"

"Unfortunately for Dan, there was an expert in the audience on crossing roads and the reasons behind it."

“Sorry, we still don’t know who the sperm donor is, but we will be looking.”

“Excuse me, kids — I’ve been trying to find the hair salon at this address for five years. Do either of you happen to have a merit badge for pet grooming?”

“Yes, it's a large hole and YES, I leave in 5 minutes. But no pressure to sew it... I've gone more than two years without pants and will be fine at my client workshop!”

"The burning bush said it was ten commandments. When I scanned it, all I got was a Starbucks’ coupon.”

“Now, here's how you evade NORAD…”

“It’s only one ply, stop bidding!”

“Superman has a problem with Kryptonite, I have a problem with trees. Little patience over here?”